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GD's Worst Band Names In Metal

20/05/11 || Global Domination

Welcome back to the wonderful world of GD’s top ten lists. This week it’s our pleasure to bring you some of the worst band names currently in use by metal mental midgets around the planet. The criteria for inclusion: the band has to be active and signed to some label stupid enough to think Brutalcore or Fairyland could be the next big thing.

Some of these awful monikers can of course be blamed on translation errors, but when you know you are putting yourself out there for a largely English-speaking audience (and writing album titles, track names, etc in English too) there’s no reason not to pick up a dictionary/thesaurus/cereal box and come up with something better. Thankfully, these goons didn’t bother. For those who do claim grasp of Her Majesty’s Tongue – your failure is even more shameful.

We’ve helpfully broken down these atrocities into Black, Death, Other, and a special bonus round category. Read on, friends, and learn how NOT to name your metal band. -Daemo

Top Ten Worst Black Metal Names

10. Abstract Satan (Russia)
Conceptual Satan? Synopsis Satan? Theoretical, speculative Satan? Cubo-Futurism Satan?
-sly

9. Goat Terrorism (Netherlands)
This just in, a radical sect of goats who believe that western goat culture is destroying traditional grazing and herding patterns have hijacked several tractors and rammed them into farmer McCutcheon’s barn, killing several other farm animals. Osama BAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA Ladin has claimed responsibility and plans to conduct more goat terrorism activities unless traditional farming methods and ways of goat life are reinstated.
-IG

8. 78424325 (Mexico)
Apparently this spells out “suicide” when you dial it on the phone – in Mexico. Another sure fire method to ice yourself via tacotelecommunications would be to give the Nortenos a ring and tell them there’s no hope in dope.
-Daemo

7.Snörkel (Norway) Snörkel? Is that like when you’re out snorkelling in the snow? Maybe it’s a metaphor for the bands constant search for a single good riff? Alas, we will probably never know.
-Love Lagerkvist

6. +3 Broadsword (Australia)
Now here’s a name and theme that is not only completely fucking terrible but also one that guarantees zero sex for the band. Dungeons and Dragons themed black metal? Really? A debut album called “666 Sided Dice”? Fuuuuuck. Anyone who thinks that either this theme or this band’s name is good is clearly suffering from a +3 brain injury. Wow, they even have a song called “To Hit Armour Class Zero”. Good luck in ever trying to touch a woman guys.
-revenant

5. Maniac Goat (Brazil)
Goats and black metal have a long tradition of going hand-in-hand. Now, of course, what could be more tr00, kvlt, grvmm and nekro than a MANIAC goat, huh? Nothing, of course. Nothing a-tall… -Khlysty

4. Throat Violence (Norway)
Insert oral sex joke here. Maybe these cockpukes could do a split CD with Irrumation, eh Ryan?
-Daemo

3. Panzer Hitler (Russia) Nice; a tank and a crazy fascist who committed some of the worst crimes in human history. This band name is not just bad; it’s offensively stupid.
-Khlysty

2. Aryantichrist (Poland)
Congratulations on combining the worst kind of name (the overlapping compound word) with the most idiotic ideology and the most worn-out cliché in metal. And please tell me you don’t have history lessons in Poland.
-Habakuk

1. Hats Barn (France) Okay, so it is supposed to mean “children of hate” in Swedish. How very black metal of you. But you’re a French band who sing in English under a campy Swedish moniker, and y’all aren’t even that good. Fact is, your name alludes to a farm building full of headgear. Perhaps the band should be renamed “Grange à Chapeaux”.
-sly

Top Ten Worst Death Metal Names

10. Defect Designer (Russia)
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-sly

9. Straight Land (Belarus)
At one point in time during your name finding process you should decide whether you want to be a death metal band or a theme park for urban men taking a time-out from the city’s overwhelming sexual twists.
-Habakuk

8. Scaremaker (USA)
Kinda sounds like a cheesy, low-budget 1984 slasher film about a murderer in a scary bear suit who goes around killing Ohio college cheerleaders on a nighttime scavenger hunt. Oh wait, it is.
-sly

7. Calm Hatchery (Poland)
Stay calm fool, the eggs are hatching in here! What the fuck is up with a name like Calm Hatchery? That’s not death metal at all. Hatching refers to the beginning of life, not death. Hello, read the metal manual fuckos, it states that death, not life, is cool. And being calm is definitely not metal either.
-IG

6. Brutalcore (Turkey)
Oh, oh, here comes trouble: these guys are not just brootal to ze core, they also advertise it. Lame name, plus the only thing that has any right to use -core to its name is hXc.
-Khlysty

5. Severed Crotch (Iceland)
Excising the twig and berries alone ain’t good enough for these Icies. They want to chop off your whole fucking genital REGION! Your pants will never fit right again.
-Daemo

4. Lived Devil (Mexico)
English is not my native language so, quite a few times, I find myself having trouble to properly express what I want, as I mix Greek syntax and expressions with English. No matter, though: I really cannot glean what the fuck a “lived devil” might be… UPDATE: an natural-born English-speaking feller just pointed out that the name is supposed to be a palindrome. Still, it makes no sense whatsoever and I STILL cannot get any meaning out of it, so I still think it’s lame. Just so you know…
-Khlysty

3. Job for a Cowboy (USA)
Must… resist… urge… to… make… “Brokeback…. Mountain”… joke… as… we… all… know… the… kind… of… “jobs”… those… cowboys… got… blowjobs… damn… failed…
-revenant

2. Conan’s First Date (Hungary)
Dating back then wasn’t really much different from what it is today. You know how it goes, barbarian hunk meets seductive pirate queen and it’s love at first sight. They sail the Western Ocean side by side, pillaging and plundering town after town. They make passionate love in the perilous jungle and utter promises of devotion in the hereafter. Unfortunately, Conan’s hot date is forced to come to an end when his lover is hanged by a monstrous winged creature. Dating was tough in the Hyborian age and it ain’t much better now.
-sly

1. Die You (Spain)
Die you spawn evil! Steal bulls our no away get light! We Inquisition send to surprise with die you!
-Love Lagerkvist

Top Ten Worst Miscellaneous Genre Names

10. Dreamtone & Iris Mavraki’s Neverland (power, Turkey)
Iris Mavraki sounds like a greek name; from Crete, actually (hell, she IS Greek…). I really don’t have a fucken clue, though, where – if it exists… – is her own Neverland, although I would really like to visit it some time, especially if there’s a naked Tinkerbell in there. The band has a bloody Wikipedia entry, but it doesn’t save the band from having an ultimately unwieldy and totally *UN*metal name, thus it’s included here.
-Khlysty

9. Satan Jokers (heavy metal, France)
A sad portmanteau of “Satan’s Slaves” and “Gypsy Jokers”, rival gangs of Hell’s Angels. So then why not “Satan’s Jokers”? Surely that would have been an improvement. At any rate, it is still better than their previous moniker “Jarretelles” which simply means “garters”. Yes, as in ladies garters. Oh, the French.
-sly

8. Frantic Bleep (progressive, Norway)
Frantic bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bloop
Frantic bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bloop
-Love Lagerkvist

7. Of the Wand & the Moon (neofolk, Denmark)
If this doesn’t sound like a corpsepainted retard who pulls his pud to various parts of the lunar cycle, I don’t know what does. As if being in a neofolk band from Denmark didn’t imply massive teh suck already…
-Daemo

6. Wykked Wytch (Gothic Metal, USA)
Fykk Yyy.
-Habakuk

5. Rain Delay (doom, Serbia)
This is certainly not a band for sports fans. What is this name supposed to mean anyway? Is it supposed to be melancholic? I hope with all my existence that these guys try to stage an open air concert, only to have their entrance postponed due to inclement weather. Now that would be funny.
-revenant

4. Fairyland (symphonic power metal, France)
I just checked. These are five grown men. Imagine the reactions a name suggestion like “Fairyland” would elicit in a group of any five men of your choice. Now, try to imagine what must have happened for them to actually keep it. WHAT THE…??
-Habakuk

3. Shower (thrash, Estonia)
All these ‘stoners needed to do was make a compound word here, and they could have escaped the list. Blood. Pain. Frog. But no, they decided to tackle the most brutal of morning routines – lathering up under some hot water. Thrash til clean!
-Daemo

2. Knights of Round (power metal, Japan)
Another gleaming example of a non-Anglo-Saxon group exhibiting a poor grasp of the English language. And you know what makes it even better? They actually have a song called “Sprint for Freedom”. Just look at these guys.
-sly

1. Goblin Cock (doom/drone, USA)
Ugh!!! (I just tried to imagine how the dick of an Orc or an Uruk-hai might be like…). The perfect band moniker to attract ladies, doncha think?
-Khlysty

Top Ten Worst Italian Band Names

10. Tyrannic Ethical Reconstruction
Either this is a terrible, terrible compromise or someone was a bit too confident with his Greek leanwords. Came out epic though.
-Habakuk

9. Tool Silence
Odd little trivia: Tool Silence’s name derives from a Facebook group called “The silence that occurs when you take Tool’s worst material and put them in a power metal band”. The group has five likes.
-Love Lagerkvist

7. Stöner Kebab
I really would hate to be forced to eat something like that. Not only the name displays band taste, it’s also a great offense against Italy know culinary excellence. Plus, STONER CAN NEVER BE KEBAB. STONER IS RIB-EYE, AT THE VERY LEAST!!!
-Khlysty

7. Mortal Fungus
Italy triumphs again. The only thing less scary than an immortal fungus is a mushroom that knows, one day, it will die. Possibly by being chopped up and posthumously mixed into spaghetti sauce.
-Daemo

6. Brain of Maggot
Really guys? Really? I mean, Brain of Maggot_s_ would’ve been fine, but singular? Actually, scratch that. Brain of Maggot isn’t actually the band’s name, but the medical condition all of its members suffer.
-Love Lagerkvist

5. An Handful of Dust
Nothing makes an band look stupid like an major grammar fuck up. At what point (assuming they have by now) did the band realise their stupidity? And why, for the love of not looking like complete dickheads, didn’t they fix it? Too stubborn, just pretending it was meant that way or making an statement against proper grammar? Next time just cut your losses and call yourselves “We fails English”.
-revenant

4. Hiss from the Moat
What exactly is in this moat? Agitated snakes? Angry swans? Punctured tires?
-sly

3. Block! Antonius Block!
There are two ways of using an exclamation mark in your band name:
1. A “Godspeed You! Black Emperor” way, where the awesomeness of the music and reference makes up for the pseudo-pretentiousness.
2. A “Block! Antonius Block!” way, where it just sounds like a line from a first graders school play about (desecrating the glory) of ancient Rome.
-Love Lagerkvist

2. Rude Forefathers
Where did this name come from? Did Garibaldi poop and in someone’s toilet and not give a courtesy flush? Ben Flanklin was a pretty rude dude and drunk, and Thomas Jefferson fucked his slaves (that’s double rude) but, last time I checked, those forefathers weren’t Italian.
-IG

1. Eat Me Clown
I’m just about speechless on this one. Are they referring to Stephen King’s “It”? Or a porno version of “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”? Or have they simply stumbled upon the shittiest band name in a country filled to the brim with shitty band names? You decide.
-Daemo

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